Sounds like satire but it’s . . . the United Kingdom.

Britain’s Department for Education and Skills has issued a proposal for governmental monitoring of children from birth to age five, to keep tabs on how well they are meeting a set of 69 “learning goals.”

Every nursery, every “childminder” and “reception class” in the sceptered isle would have to file reports with the government on the kiddies’ progress: When they gurgle. When they start pushing food around on the tray. When they start moving to music. Apparently there’s a tight schedule on which this stuff has to be accomplished, and the bureaucrats need to be kept informed.

If “childminders” don’t want to comply, they’ll have to file for an exemption and then forfeit state funding. Forfeit state funding? Well, there could be worse fates.

Anne McIntosh, the shadow minister for children — yes, there’s a shadow minister for children in England — says “such detailed inspection of children this young” is inappropriate. “Every child is different and develops at different stages in different ways.” Oh, sez you lady. Everybody knows all babies come out of a Crackerjacks box and are precisely identical.

Kids, can you spell “totalitarian”?

American parents might feel lucky we’re living here and not in England. Except you know U.S. educrats will hear about this and exclaim, “What a wonderful idea! We too must implement regulations to monitor every child’s every toe wiggle!”

Help. This is Common Sense. I’m Paul Jacob.